Jewish Journal: Coping with Pregnancy Loss
Kelila Green Siciliano gave birth to her three children without any problems. She felt blessed that she didn’t have any major issues and was able to conceive and carry a pregnancy to full term. After having her children, she wanted to give back and help others do the same. So, she applied to be a surrogate.
“My husband and I met this couple in whom we saw so much of ourselves, yet they so desperately wanted to have children and couldn’t,” Siciliano said. “I was immediately drawn to wanting to do something for them.”
In 2019, she gave birth to this couple’s child, and immediately, she agreed that she’d like to help them have a second child when they were ready.
“Due to the world shutting down for COVID-19, we had to put all plans on hold for a little while,” Siciliano said. “This gave the parents time at home and solidified their resolve to try and have more children. Two-and-a-half years later, the stars aligned and again, I was able to go through an IVF transfer with their embryos.”
Soon, Siciliano found out she was pregnant. The baby had a strong heartbeat and was growing limbs, and everything was right on track in the 90th percentile of growth for the week and day of the pregnancy. The pregnancy was going well – until it wasn’t.
At her 16-week checkup, the nurse and doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby had died between week 12 and 13 of gestation.
“According to the doctor, there was no waiting to see if I would have a miscarriage naturally,” Siciliano said. “I was sent to the hospital immediately to begin labor and delivery. Beginning the process of forced dilation, feeling contractions that were coming too soon, knowing that no matter what I did, this little baby with which I had been entrusted was gone, was excruciating. The intended parents put their faith in my body and my body had failed big time.”
Siciliano had never felt such intense emotions. She was thankful for the support of her family and friends and organizations where she could turn for emotional support, but she wanted something tangible to work through her pain.
That’s why she decided to create “The Pregnancy Loss Grief Workbook.” Her workbook provides women the outlet to write, create art and process their miscarriage or stillbirth.
There are sections like, “Write a letter,” “Honoring your baby on their due date,” “Letting go of expectations” and “Things that make me happy.” The book immediately begins with things to do following a pregnancy loss, including finding a support group, turning off baby apps and taking the time to grieve.
Although 1 in 4 women have experienced pregnancy loss, they may be hesitant to talk about this topic. However, Siciliano stressed that it should be out in the open.
“It should be something we can discuss. It should be something which we can mourn together. It should be something where we can be there for each other.“
“It should be something we can discuss,” she said. “It should be something which we can mourn together. It should be something where we can be there for each other. Many women keep this grief to themselves, however, my hope is that this book helps in giving [them the] resources [to begin] the healing journey.”
Siciliano will always carry her pregnancy loss with her. But she believes that by being open and honest about her healing process, things will get a little bit better.
“Checking in with loved ones, writing, drawing, creating art … all of these small bits add up to moving forward and feeling like I have some control in a process that ultimately, I know, is in God’s hands,” she said.
With “The Pregnancy Loss Grief Workbook,” she wants to help women in their healing journeys as well.
“I hope it reminds anyone working through it that they can take control of their feelings and thoughts,” she said. “I hope it reminds them that they are not alone. Most of all, I hope that it helps to heal the giant hole in their heart.”
